Suicide No. 1

Some time in the second part of last year I realized that my caseload was disappearing. It was easy to forsee an empty future. Since we owed more on the house than it was worth, we were tied to it. No way to get house equity to finance a move to a different job. And that's assuming that a balding 63-year old could get a job. I'd forgotten most of what I knew (which was little enough) about purely legal matters by doing nothing but mediation for twenty years.

I found profound relief in contemplating suicide. My problems seemed insolvable. They still do. When I thought of taking my own life, the pressure, the strain, the stress of my situation seemed to ease, just as a run on the computer's solitaire game would ease me.

I had no previous training in suicide or suicidal acts. I've never slit my wrists like the girls do or taken overdoses of medecine. Though I'd heard a number of things about how to do it, just by reading the papers. I'd prefer it quiet, and I'd prefer it not tearing up my body much, which would shock my wife.

So I started wanting to do what I later learned was called a "bag and band". You put a plastic bag over your head and use something stretchy around your neck, limiting your oxygen to what's in the bag. When you exhaust the air in the bag, you're done. But I found that there was only a 50% or 55% fatality rate, whether through people yanking off the plastic bag or some other oxygen access. So I crossed it off.

Then I committed a mistake. I started talking with Drs. Director and Strauss about my suicidal thoughts. They both jumped on me for that, asking about who would care for Jacky when I was gone? It's true that Jacky has no one but me. No family in Europe except her brother with whom she's on the worst possible terms (Americans have no idea how fraught continental family feuds may be.) But that was not Drs. Director and Strauss main issue. They immediately started emitting smoke and fire when I mentioned suicide. They sure don't want it to happen on their watch. So I backed off, telling them I renounced my suicidal thoughts as the result of their interventions, and never mentioned the subject again. Nor did they raise it again on their side. My suicidal thinking continued, however.