Concerning the topic I raised before, it's really an argument between my id and my superego (are those terms stil in use?), I think. Nobody else knows (or cares) about the problem, except the rather infrequent visitors to this blog. And it is real problem and not a cop-out. While I want to die, the provisions for my wife's welfare are an important concern. I wonder how many suicides have left underprovided spouses behind. That's an idle thought. Because the intensity of the death-urge varies up and down a scale. For the guy who kills himself in a jail cell by hanging himself by a twisted sheet held by a door handle, anything is possible. There are those who cannot consider further life whatever the outcome for others. And then there are those like me, who have dependants. You point out the frequency of homicide-suicides. Well, I don't know about that. For one murder-suicide, how many pure suicides are performed every year?
The real reason I started this blog isn't to solve the death or life question (although that's important), it's to examine up close my terror and anxiety of facing a life of no money whatsoever and watch the house and the belongings be stripped from us after all these years. I'll really abhor being at the mercy of horrible debt collectors. Actually, while the above description is a statement that is true, it doesn't get to the bottom of the issue. I'm still using evasive language, all kinds of avoidance in the text, just to not think about the real issue, or even to find out what the real issue is.
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